Of Life & Loss

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A week before I had found out I was pregnant, I was planning and attending the funeral of my fiancé Cody. Twelve days before that, on the day before our birthdays, we sat on a hospital bed holding hands, listening to a doctor tell him he had a brain tumour. Our lives stopped, work stopped, school stopped, we left our home and moved closer to the hospital Cody needed.

Cody was a strong, loving, stubborn man. We had a life planned, with dreams and achievements. But his body quickly deteriorated. Everyday was worse, he lost his sight, taste, most of his hearing. He was one day a construction worker, strong and able, to the next; using a walker, then wheel chair.

It was an unbelievable experience watching the person you believed in more than anything, who believed in you more than anything, die. It was a privilege to be the one by his side, to have a part in taking care of him and leaning over him while he was taking his last breaths, letting him know it was okay to let go.

When I found out I was pregnant, I didn't believe it. I actually took six pregnancy tests, lined them up on the counter and watched each one of them quickly turn positive. Part of me, a huge part of me, was in shock, the other piece of me that was left, set my heart on fire. The day before, I was driving in my car, alone for the first time since he died, crying and asking for direction. Begging to know why I was here and he wasn't, why I had to keep living. The next day I realized that I hadn't gotten my period at all..

I seriously thought to myself, is this something that I can do? Can I be a mother? Can I live beyond this? Can I create the life Cody and I wanted for our children? The answer in my heart was yes.

Although, I spend moments in days when I feel selfish for bringing our child into the world without Cody, pregnancy is the most wonderful thing I've yet to experience. I've never felt more beautiful, or whole, or connected to the big picture. I was born to be a mother, to be a sacred passage between worlds, to allow things to come into life, to be a safe space for life to leave, to live with one hand in this world and one hand in another.

In a circumstance that has disconnected me from what I thought my life was, has only given me experiences of grace. I yearned for higher consciousness, I yearned that my gratitude would provide me with a beautiful existence.. It did. I misunderstood what beauty and fairness was. What happened to Cody was fair, he was neither deserving or undeserving.   He acted with grace in taking charge of his life, and it was beautiful. I have witnessed death, I watched him leave. He said good bye, and did his best to take care of me before he left. Then he was gone. He left me here, with the biggest love I could have imagined. Now, I am witnessing the growth of a human being from almost nothing. I am moved deeply by the life that I get to experience.

{You can read more about Harlee-Jean's heartbreaking and inspiring story on her blog, harleejean2013.wordpress.com}